


the darkest hour is just before the dawn

by disorientedbunny



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Depression, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Pain, References to Depression, Tags May Change, post s5
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:21:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24760738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disorientedbunny/pseuds/disorientedbunny
Summary: “Supergirl is supposed to be invincible. She’s supposed to be lively and kind and happy and perfect all the time and I just...what if I can’t do that? Can’t be that?” There is so much vulnerability in Kara’s eyes, so much pain.“It’s okay not be. Just because you’re a superhero, doesn’t mean you have to be okay all the time.” Lena looks over the skyline at the setting sun so Kara doesn’t know Lena’s seen the tears start falling.“Doesn’t it, though?”
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 6
Kudos: 82





	1. im fine, just tired

**Author's Note:**

> hello, just wanted to put a trigger warning for depression and always to live up to other people's expectations because ill be talking a little about it and the last thing i want is to cause any problems  
> im sorry if this changes perspective and/or tenses, this is my first time writing a fic and my writing is a little rusty  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: only the plot is mine. all characters belong to the dc universe

Kara slams into the wall of the building, creating fissures in the concrete. Dark Supergirl moves toward her, standing over Kara’s groaning figure. Her head tilts, a devilish smirk splaying across her features. It’s a sickening look, the difference between Kara’s blue eyes that hold so much warmth and love and the cold emptiness residing in Dark Supergirl’s. Another flurry of shots to Kara’s face, arms, and legs, plus a powerful kick to the abdomen causes a bloodcurdling scream to emit from Kara’s throat as a black void starts to encircle her vision.

Kara thinks she can hear J’onn and Alex calling her name while Dreamer uses her dream-energy whips to coil around Dark Supergirl’s waist and pull her away from Kara’s broken form. Thinks she sees J’onn’s figure teleport from his position near Alex keeping civilians back to her. Thinks she feels his hand on her arm, but honestly, she doesn’t care enough to try and process. The darkness seems especially welcoming right now and all she wants to do is let it envelope her.

There’s shouting—a lot of shouting from every direction—and the light above her is blinding. She smells expensive perfume and antiseptic wafting toward her nose and groggily assumes J’onn must have taken her to Lena’s lab.

 _Stay awake,_ she begins pleading with herself, but it’s so half-hearted. She doesn’t want to be awake, doesn’t want to be here. She’s tired. So tired, and what’s wrong with getting a few minutes of sleep? She feels herself moving, undoubtedly being rushed to the more secret parts of Lena’s lab on a stretcher, and the rocking sensation just makes her want to succumb to the darkness more.

And she does.

***

Alex is pacing in the corner of the lab, J’onn is trying to control his strength while gripping a counter, and Nia keeps asking Lena the same questions “How is she doing?” “When is she going to wake up?” “Shouldn’t she be awake by now?”

Lena wants to be patient with her, knows Nia is just concerned for her mentor and expressing the anxiety they are all feeling, but each time she asks, and each time Lena has to say “Her body is healing, we just have to be patient” or “Her vitals are stable, she’ll be okay,” she gets more aggravated. Aggravated because she doesn’t actually _know_ and if there is one thing Lena Luthor hates almost as much as betrayal, it’s not knowing things and being useless because of it.

She grips the clipboard with the notes on Kara’s condition tightly, looking it over every few seconds to piece together a solution, but none come. She doesn’t understand. Five yellow sun lamps have been surrounding Kara for almost twelve hours now, she should at least be awake by now. But she’s not.

She tries to piece through it in her mind—there was no Kryptonite present, so fatal wounds are theoretically out. The situation is strikingly similar to the fight with Reign, but different because Reign was a Worldkiller and Dark Supergirl doesn’t match that type of power because Kara herself doesn’t. Dark Supergirl and Supergirl are equals in every sense of the word—save for the humanity—so while the blows may have broken Kara down, they wouldn’t have resulted in this level of damage.

It’s so frustrating. All she can do is rule out possibilities and she can’t even really do that because with Supergirl’s foes, no one ever truly knows.

“Did anyone notice Kara wasn’t really fighting?” Alex finally speaks. Everyone looks to her in surprise.

It’s quiet for a moment before Nia says, “What do you mean? Of course she was.”

“No. No, she wasn’t.” Alex stops pacing and looks at Lena. “You can pull up the cameras on the buildings, right? Try and piece together the fight from the footage?” Lena nods. “Do it. I swear, she wasn’t fighting back at all. She threw a few punches to protect the citizens, then just…I don’t know, it feels off. Like she wanted Dark Supergirl to kill her.”

J’onn looks positively perplexed by the insinuation. “Kill her? Why would Kara want Dark Supergirl to kill her?”

Lena had already moved to her computer to start pulling the footage together and so far, with what she has now, she thinks maybe Alex isn’t that far off. From the looks of things, Kara saw the civilians in danger and drew Dark Supergirl’s attention away from them like normal, and there were a combination of blows from both sides; however, Kara’s fighting style just seems…off? Alex was right, something doesn’t feel right about it.

She doesn’t have much time to ponder on it though because Kara chooses this moment to let out a tiny groan as her eyes flutter open. Instantly, four worried faces are peering into Kara’s vision. She tries to sit up, but her arms don’t support her weight and she falls down before ever really getting a chance to get up.

“How about you not try to do anything like that for a few more hours, okay?” Lena says. “You got hurt pretty badly.”

Kara gives a slight nod, wincing with the effort, then she focuses her gaze on Alex. “I’m fine, Alex. Really.”

Alex scoffs and the other three people in the room can feel a blanket of tension spread through the lab. They each take a step back, already knowing Alex is about to explode from the way her vein is peaking out of her forehead. Lena and Nia hurriedly go back to Lena’s computer to piece together more footage from the security tapes and J’onn has suddenly found great interest in one of Lena’s plants in the far corner of the lab.

“Oh, you’re _fine?_ ” Alex says, vein bulging out even more at the failing attempt to not yell. “I don’t buy it for a damn second, Kara. What the hell happened to you out there?”

Kara’s eyes take on a steely look. “Nothing _happened_ , okay? I got beat, it happens sometimes!”

“No, you getting ‘beat’ is something I can accept.” Alex grits her teeth and steps closer to Kara. “You throwing a fight, you endangering civilians, you literally giving up for no reason? I can’t accept that. So, I’m asking you again, what happened out there?”

“I would never endanger civilians, you know that,” Kara replies with a voice that seems to want to get angry but can’t quite find the strength to get there. “Just go away. I’m tired, and my sunlamps make for much better company than you right now, so just—just go.”

Nia and J’onn had already decided to clear out of the lab as the tension between the sisters thickened, leaving only Lena (more so because she has to stay as Kara’s doctor, not because she wants to bear witness to the dispute). By clearing her throat, Lena finally interrupts an argument she is sure will lead to some harsh words shared between the sisters that would not be easily taken back. “Alex.” Lena places her hand lightly on Alex’s arm. “Maybe now isn’t the best time for this conversation.” Alex looks at Lena with disbelief before seeing the look Lena conveys to her. A look saying, _Let me try._

Alex nods, conceding that Lena would probably be more level-headed than her and would therefore garner more successful results.

After Alex leaves the room, Lena pulls a chair to Kara’s bedside, eliciting an annoyed groan from Kara. “Are you going to try and tell me I lost on purpose too?”

“I’m not going to try and tell you anything—I saw the videos from the cameras. I know what happened, you do too. No point saying what we already now.” She doesn't mean that. Of course she wants to talk to Kara about what happened, but seeing how quickly and sharply Kara shut out her own sister, Lena feels her chances are probably much slimmer. No, Kara would have to bring it up on her own; if patience from Lena is what Kara needs, then patience from Lena is what Kara will get. Lena crosses her legs and scans Kara’s medical chart again. “I can’t let you leave for another few hours, but I know you’re always hungry, especially after fights, so what do you want to eat? We can get it delivered.”

Kara sighs. “I’m not really hungry, but you should eat. I know you always forget.”

“Kara Danvers isn’t hungry? The world really has gone mad,” Lena attempts to joke but Kara’s face doesn’t even hint at a break from the serious frown on her face. She nudges Kara with her elbow. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, fine. Just tired. I think I’m gonna go to sleep.” Kara doesn’t wait for a response, just turns her entire body so her back is to Lena.

Lena wants to protest, wants to get Kara to face her so they can have a discussion because it’s so obvious that Kara is lying to her right now. It was obvious when she was talking to Alex about losing on purpose and it’s obvious now when Kara says that she’s fine.

Because she’s not fine. Kara is not fine. And she hates that Kara won’t let anyone, not even her sister, know just how not fine she is.

Lena stays there for a few more minutes, hoping Kara will turn around and talk to her, but Kara’s breathing levels out and she knows Kara is asleep again. That’s fine, she has work she can do while still monitoring Kara—she’ll just bring her work laptop down to the lab and have her assistant forward her calls to the portable work phone. Easy.

Except it’s not easy. She sprints to the elevator and rushes to get to her office and grab the items she needs and she swears she can’t have been gone longer than three minutes maximum but as she runs through the door to her secret lab she finds an empty hospital bed with rumpled sheets surrounded by sunlamps that have been powered off.

Lena lets out a frustrated sigh, frantically pulling out her phone and dialing Alex. “Alex, Kara left. I don’t know where she is."


	2. it's okay not to be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know people dont like when depression or mental illness is romanticized so i wanted to put here that i am in no way trying to do that

“You lost my sister?” Alex practically screams. Apparently, Alex is in a screaming mood today because she seems to be wanting to do it often.

“I was gone for less than five minutes and I swear she was asleep when I left her!” Lena grimaces. “Listen, lecturing me isn’t going to help us find Kara any faster. Where do you think she went? The Fortress? Her apartment?”

Alex shakes her head. “I don’t know.” A beat of silence. “I’m going to call J’onn, see if her can track her psychically or something. Just…go figure something out, Lena. Track her heat signature, pull up facial recognition and see if they spotted her, just find her.”

“We will. With J’onn and I both working this, there isn’t a place on earth we won’t find her.”

***

Turns out, it wasn’t that difficult to find Kara after all. She was sitting on the roof of her apartment complex. Lena found her as soon as she had entered a picture of Kara into the people finding program she had written. Before leaving for Kara’s apartment, Lena texts Alex telling her where Kara is, and that Lena will talk to her.

Using the spare key Kara gave her after Lena had officially rejoined the SuperFriends, Lena entered the apartment and went to the open window.

“Kara, I know you’re up there,” she calls. There’s a light shuffle and something that sounds like an agitated groan. “Either bring me up there or I’m using the fire escape. Your choice, but I will be coming up there, one way or another.” This time it is definitely an agitated groan, though not entirely as agitated as the first one. Lena sees Kara’s feet lower slightly in the air before coming face-to-face with Kara’s blue eyes. They look dull, lacking the life that usually resides in them.

Kara holds out her hand to help Lena through the window and then flies them up to where Kara had previously been. Kara set Lena down and they sit in a weirdly comfortable silence for a while, just staring at the National City skyline.

“You shouldn’t have left the lab,” Lena says softly. “We still had some tests to run, you know, make sure nothing more serious was wrong.”

Kara sighs and bows her head, then nods. “I’m sure Alex gave you an ear-full, sorry about that.”

Lena just shrugs. She can’t really be mad at Alex for being concerned about her sister. She wishes Lex had cared about her like that. Another silence falls over them and Lena’s mind starts to wander back to the footage she’d put together. She really wants to ask Kara about it, because from where Lena stands, it looks a lot like Kara just didn’t want to fight back. She also really wants Kara to bring it up because then Kara can’t get all sharp and angry like how she did with Alex; however, after around ten minutes of nothing but the sound of wind between them, Lena feels her best bet is to try and broach the subject.

She opens her mouth to speak but Kara beats her to it. “I didn’t try and lose that fight.” Lena gives Kara a perplexed look and Kara smiles a little—but it doesn’t show her teeth or reach her eyes and honestly it looks a lot more like a grimace. “I know that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Why didn’t you tell Alex that?”

“I said I didn’t try to lose the fight, that doesn’t necessarily mean I was trying to win.” Lena stays quiet as Kara picks at the cement roof. “I just…I got there, and of course I cared about the people, of course I didn’t want them to get hurt, but I didn’t really care if _I_ got hurt.” Kara’s jaw clenches.

“Well, you’ve never really cared about getting hurt when you were protecting people before,” Lena says.

Kara shakes her head. “This was different, Lena. It’s not that I was going to give my life protecting them, it’s that I was just going give my life. Whether people needed to be protected or not. And it wasn’t just the fight against evil me, either, I—I haven’t really been trying for a while. It’s bad, I know, but I’m in a mindset where I just, I don’t even care.”

Lena is at a loss for words as she tries to process. Kara doesn’t care? Kara isn’t trying? She goes through the last few months in her head, goes through all her interactions with Kara and the differences in Kara’s behavior, begins to see the distinct lack of a smiling Kara in her memories. She sees a distinct lack of laughter on their game nights and a more reserved slouch in Kara’s posture. How could she have been so blind?

Mistaking Lena’s processing silence for an uncomfortable one, Kara immediately tries to rectify. “Wow, I’m sorry, I just dumped that on you, and I shouldn’t have, I’m sorry.” Kara scratches the back of her neck. “Uh, forget I said anything.”

Lena’s eyes widen. “What? No. Kara, there’s nothing for you to apologize for.” Lena reaches for the hand rubbing Kara’s neck and pulls it down. “You’re not expected to be perfect all the time.”

Kara looks at her incredulously. “Yes, I am. Supergirl is supposed to be invincible. She’s supposed to be lively and kind and happy and perfect all the time and I don’t...what if I can’t do that? Can’t be that?” There is so much vulnerability in Kara’s eyes, so much pain plus a mountain of other emotions Lena can’t quite name.

“It’s okay not be. Just because you’re a superhero, doesn’t mean you have to be okay all the time.” Lena looks over the skyline at the setting sun so Kara doesn’t know Lena’s seen the tears start falling.

“Doesn’t it, though?”

They sit in silence for a while after that, Lena not really knowing what to say because she can’t imagine the pressures that come with being a superhero, never mind a female one. But Kara has always done it so gracefully. Even when the entire United States had been against her, even when Lena herself had been against her, she’d still had so much hope, she never really complained, and Lena has never thought about the toll that takes on a person. She’d never thought about how that was Kara’s/Supergirl’s image, and how she could never stray from it. She’d never thought about how unfair that is.

“Have you tried talking to someone about it?” Lena asks.

“You mean like a therapist?” Lena nods and Kara shakes her head. “No. I’d have to explain everything, including my identity, and I don’t trust anyone enough for that.”

“You trusted me,” says Lena and Kara shrugs.

“That’s different.” Lena looks at Kara questioningly and Kara shrugs again. “You already know everything. Plus, if there’s anyone who has experience dealing with living up to other people’s expectations, it’s you, Miss Luthor.” Kara bumps Lena with her shoulder lightly.

Lena smiles slightly. “You’re right, you’re right.” Lena exhales softly, looking at the cars moving below her feet. “Did you know I have a therapist?”

Kara’s head snaps to face Lena with surprise. “You do?”

“Kara, my last name is Luthor, both my mother and my brother have tried to have me killed or kidnapped on multiple occasions, I have severe trust issues, I have to carry L-Corp on my back, _and_ work my second job helping the SuperFriends with all of your alien problems. Plus, I have to worry about you every time you go on a mission.” Lena scoffs and shakes her head. “Trust me, I’ve needed, and now have, a therapist. I see her three times a week—sometimes more if the week is especially hectic.”

“You never told me that?”

“It’s not for everyone to know, Kara. Listen, I’m not saying you have to get a therapist, but would it really be so bad to just consider it? Your life is stressful, you need an outlet—that isn’t punching or kicking things—where you feel safe and completely free of judgment. They’re bound by a code of ethics—whatever you say is entirely confidential.”

Kara pulls her legs to her chest and rests her chin on her knees. “Doesn’t that make me weak? Having to find help other places for a personal issue?”

“I thought the same thing at one point, but my opinion has changed. I know it feels like you’re being weak by asking for help, but you aren’t. I promise. Personally, I think admitting when you need help is probably the bravest and strongest thing a person can do.”

“But—” Kara starts but Lena cuts her off immediately.

“Acknowledging your humanity, acknowledging your human emotions, is _not_ something a weak person can do. Do you hear me?” Lena grips Kara’s chin, pulling lightly so that Kara looks her in the eyes. “Your humanity doesn’t make you weak,” Lena whispers softly but sternly. After a few seconds, she releases Kara’s chin and faces forward, but Kara remains staring at her. “It took me a long time to realize and accept that. But it’s true, Kara. It’s so true.”

Kara continues to staring and Lena feels her cheeks flush at the intensity of the gaze. Finally Kara turns to face forward as well and lets out a soft—is that a chuckle? It sounds like it could be, but it also sounds like it could just be another sigh. “Well then, I guess I could try one session and see how it goes. Have any therapist recommendations?”

Lena smiles. “I do. I’ll be happy to give you my therapist’s number when we get back inside. Not right now though.”

“Definitely not right now,” Kara agrees. Kara takes a beat then says, “I’m really glad you came and not Alex. I love her, but sometimes she just gets so overprotective with me and I don’t want her to worry. She’d probably yell at me too and I don’t think I could’ve handled that.”

Lena moves closer to Kara, pressing their arms together before wrapping her arm around Kara’s shoulders. Kara leans into the embrace, wrapping her arm around Lena’s waist. Lena says, “Do you remember that time you said I would have someone who would stand by me always? And that you’d always be my friend?” Kara nods against Lena’s head. “It goes both ways, Kara. Through good and bad, I’ll stand by you. But please, next time just tell me what’s wrong instead of running away and making Alex lead a manhunt to find you.”

Kara chuckled and it’s the first time since they’d sat on the roof that it actually seems a little genuine. Lena smiles at that revelation and pulls Kara a little closer.

“It wasn’t really running away—I did go home after all.”

“Semantics.”

Kara scoffs at that. They stay in this position for really long time, Kara wrapped in Lena’s embrace. She doesn’t want to move, the warm familiarity of Lena’s presence and the comforting strength in her hold create a small oasis for Kara, but she starts dozing slightly with just how comfortable it is and Lena notices. Releasing Kara from her grasp, Lena recommends they go inside because Kara is definitely still recharging after the pummel she received earlier, and Kara really doesn’t want to, but she also really does because she’s really tired.

Kara flies them through the window and Lena is about five feet from the elevator before realizing Kara hasn’t eaten yet. She walks back to Kara’s door but can already hear the light snores coming from inside. Not wanting to disrupt the sleep the hero definitely needs after such a taxing day, Lena calls the Chinese place down the block and orders a massive serving of potstickers, Kung Pao Chicken, fried rice, and literally everything else she knows Kara likes.

She waits the twenty-five to thirty minutes it takes for the food to be made and delivered and, after being completely sure Kara is really asleep and hopefully won’t wake up, walks into the apartment as quietly as possible, leaving the bags of food on the counter and a note telling Kara to please eat, that they would talk in the morning, and writes down the name and number for her therapist.

She calls Alex after, only because she knows Alex is still worried (she did call Lena almost fifteen times and sent her a minimum of a hundred text while she had been on the roof) and lets her know that Kara is fine but doesn’t divulge any of the big information Kara shared with her other than Kara is hurting right now and will need them to be there for her. Lena knows she probably should have informed Alex of the more dangerous aspects of what Kara had told her—the not caring whether she dies is the one that comes to Lena's mind first—but she also felt Kara had a right to tell that to Alex herself when she was ready. And Kara clearly is not ready right now. But Lena hopes she will be soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, i hope you liked it!  
> the next chapter (if i continue the story) will be kara going to therapy for the first time

**Author's Note:**

> hi, thanks for reading, i hope you liked it! any feedback is greatly appreciated  
> have a great day  
> 


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